Searching For a Former Clarity
by thelonegunmenX
Summary: How Jen would have died, had she not been shot. Written with lyrics by Against Me!


I don't own, if i did, the director would not be dead. This is basically about how she might have died had she not been shot. Lyrics are by Against Me!

_No the doctors didn't tell you,_

_that you were dying._

_They just collected their money,_

_And sent you on your way._

Jen Sheppard could tell that something was wrong for several weeks. At first all she gave it was the occasional fleeting thought, but gradually, she found that she couldn't ignore the fatigue that overwhelmed her almost every day. The migraines she never used to get would come frequently, and she couldn't remember anything past the day before. She put it off for as long as she could, but eventually, she had to get her blood tested. Jen knew that, as the director of a federal agency, she couldn't be sick, so she trusted the NCIS medical examiner, Ducky, with secrecy. He tested her blood and took x-rays, and when he handed her the report, he didn't say a word, couldn't make eye contact. The malignant tumor gave her about three months.

_But you knew all along,_

_went on pretending nothing was wrong,_

_you said 'I will keep my focus, till the end.'_

She kept it hidden, didn't tell anyone, though she knew someone would figure it out sooner or later. She tried to work, went through the motions, but the tumor was pressing on her brain in such a way that her memory was slipping faster and faster. Gibbs knew, she knew Ducky wouldn't tell him, but he knew anyway. But he, too, knew how to keep his mouth closed. Jen pulled herself together everyday, and got herself to work. But she knew that that wouldn't last long.

_Well everyone, you ever meet or love,_

_be just relationship based on a false presumption,_

_despite everyone, you ever meet or love,_

_in the end, will you be all alone?_

Ziva found out soon enough. She was perceptual, also, they'd been partners, and knew each other very well. Jen couldn't bear to tell her, but the message was received without words. She had stepped into her office, long after everyone else had gone home. She watched as Jen stared into space. She never tried to hide from Ziva, and she wasn't about to start. Ziva sat, staring at her from across her desk, and neither woman said a word. Ziva easily read the pain in her eyes, and was shocked to find that she really cared. She left the office before she gave Jen the chance to see her cry.

_As the disease spreads slowly through your body,_

_pumped by your heart to the tips of your arms and your legs,_

_your greatest fear was that your mind wouldn't last,_

_your coherency and alertness would be the first things to fade._

Jen's hands shook as she picked up the glass of bourbon that had been sitting on her desk for the majority of an hour. She resisted the urge to throw it against the wall of her office, angry at herself for letting the inevitable situation surprise her. She didn't even notice when Gibbs entered the darkened room, didn't realize until he had been standing in front of her desk for more than ten minutes. Jen gave him a shaky excuse that he didn't buy, and he simply took her hand, hoping she was content to be there with him for the time being.

Tony and Mcgee knew without being told. Abby put the pieces together when Ducky refused to give her an answer about the numerous blood tests he had her run, and when Gibbs' frequent visits dwindled to a minimum. As soon as she noticed that Gibbs started playing by the book, and that she hadn't heard a word from the director in over two weeks. Eventually, she called the team to her lab, without Gibbs' presence, and explained the situation in scientific terms. Ducky swore them all to secrecy, regretting his betrayal of the director's trust. He simply hoped that he wouldn't be receiving her corpse in a body bag any time soon.

_as you fell to your knees in the center of the stage,_

_as you offered witness to mortality in exchange for the ticket price,_

_as the lights blended into the continuing noise,_

_as all hope was finally lost._

Jen could barely walk by the time her last day as director came around. She finished her resignation letter, it was sitting on her desk next to her pills. Gibbs' team filed into her office, to be there for her, and each other. Mcgee shook her hand, his lip trembling. Jen smiled and assured him that he was a great agent, and reminded him to never let Gibbs get him down. Abby hugged her lightly with tears in her eyes, and wished her luck with the big guy upstairs. Ducky bowed his head and kissed her hand, for the first time in his life at a complete loss for words. Tony gave her a weak smile, which Jen returned with the best of her ability. Ziva kissed her cheek and whispered something in her ear. Jen laughed lightly. Ziva quietly apologized for being unable to save her this time, and Jen answered with a look that said that she had done more than enough. Gibbs looked at her, his eyes burning through hers, wishing that there was a single thing he could do. The rest of the team took it as their cue to leave, and when they were gone, Gibbs lowered his lips to hers. She smiled lightly against his mouth before closing her eyes and collapsing back against him.

_Adrenaline carried one last thought to fruition._

_Let this be the end._

_Let this be the last song._

_Let this be the end._

_Let all be forgiven._


End file.
